puppycrush2 | week one

[ Asa turns her head away, annoyed at having been Perceived. ] I don't know why it matters. I didn't come here to make friends.

[ Not... entirely false. Her initial plan was to find someone she'd be okay with making into a weapon — friends never once entered the equation. But once she arrived, and before she even knew it, her priorities had shifted. For those first few days, she'd done nothing but live selfishly, ignoring the sword of Damocles above her head; as if not acknowledging it would somehow make it go away, when all she did was miss it getting closer and closer. ]

... Not everyone can be like you, Ritsuka. [ She wants so desperately to sound as bitter as she feels, but her voice is completely flat. ]

[ They really are a diverse bunch, aren't they? She's thought this before, from Anna explaining about two types of women to Akechi muttering bitterly that nothing mattered to him anymore, to Steve saying no one could do anything about his death. ]

What does being "like me" mean to you, exactly?

[ Had she come here to make friends? No, but she'd at least expected it to happen. It doesn't mean it's not at the back of her mind, what she's going back to. That this is just a brief respite. ]

[ Friendly. Kind. Worth talking to. Everyone's jealous of something, but some people are jealous of everything. ]

Someone who knows... if what they're doing is right, or only making things worse.

... I don't.

[ Very quietly; her throat feels tight. ]

If anything, I've made things worse more than I've done the right thing.

Really?

[ The surprise is enough to snap her out of her funk. She half sits up to try to get a better look at Ritsuka's face, to make sure she's not lying somehow. ]

But you seem so confident. All I ever do is make mistakes, even when I'm trying to avoid them.

[ From the look on her face, she's definitely not lying. ]

The confidence... I think comes from me accepting that I'm going to make mistakes. But what I do after that is the important thing. If I can fix it, I'm going to do everything I can. And if I can't, I'm still going to have to keep going.

Either way, it's really hard. It feels awful, a lot of the time. But it feels worse for me if I stop there.

[ The words are sincere, weighty, and Asa gives them the respect they deserve; waiting until Ritsuka's done talking to turn her gaze upward again, silent in response. It's equal parts reassuring and scary to hear such a sentiment out of someone she thought had it all figured out, but it's far from the first time she's been wrong.

Finally: ]

Even if your actions turn out to be a mistake... as long as your heart was in the right place, that's all that matters.

[ She sounds like she's repeating something she heard once. Something she's made sure not to forget. ]

... I just wish it wasn't so hard to live like that. I wish it didn't hurt so much when things go wrong. [ Because they always, always do. ]

You and me both.

[ She pushes her hand up through her bangs, letting them resettle. Asa's words, whether she heard them from someone else or not, aren't wrong. ]

It hurts every single time I'm reminded about it, even way later. Even now, I think, "Maybe if I'd done something different from the very start, things wouldn't have turned out like this."

But I can't change that now. All I can really do is keep going. Maybe adjust a little as I go.

[ A pause, and she scrunches up her nose. ]

And I have to... remind myself that a lot of the time, I'm not doing this alone. Even if I think I should, or that I am.

That goes for you too. I don't know why you rejected Anna-chan and I don't know everything you're going through, but you're here with a bunch of weirdos who might be able to support you. At least help with some of that hurt.

[ She wonders if, in another life, she could have been someone more like Ritsuka. If she'd still had her parents, Crambon, Yuko, or literally anyone except Yoru left to rely on. How pathetic that the closest thing she has to a confidant is the literal embodiment of war; a Devil who would just as soon see the whole world and everyone in it burn if it meant getting her revenge — and that Asa, in her loneliest moments, would take the monster over the solitude.

But not right now. She doesn't smile at Ritsuka's words, but she does sigh quietly, and some of the tension in her body leaves with the air. A bunch of weirdos... they are, aren't they? Good in some ways, bad in others, but all so different from what she's used to at home. ]

I can't tell you why. It's... a rule I have to follow. [ Cameras aside, she can't be sure that Yoru wouldn't carry out her threat to finish the job and take over her body if they end up together again. ] But starting tomorrow, I'll try and keep moving forward, even if it's awkward. There has to be a way.

[ ... ] Thanks. [ For not pitying me. For showing a side of yourself you probably didn't want to, either. ]

I get it. [ Really, she does. The amount of times someone's been unable to speak of a truth due to someone else's, or even their own, tampering? She definitely understands. ]

So I won't ask. If there's anything I can do to help with the moving forward part, just shake me and we'll see what falls out. I think you could probably do with some of Anna-chan's strength, too. But I also think you'll be okay. [ Because at least Asa is trying. Just like Akechi, back then, when he'd offered her his hand to seal their agreement. And it means she has to commit to her words, too. Steve can get a breather, but she's not letting that last long. ]

... Thanks, too. For hearing me out. Sorry that I'm not as cool as you thought!

Edited (my turn to edit a lot my shame) 2024-11-18 18:28 (UTC)

I'll try not to hold it against you.

[ It's the closest thing she's made to a joke in a while. Her mood isn't suddenly fixed or anything, but there's a warmth in her chest she hasn't felt since... for a long time.

She turns to look at Ritsuka again, asking with the trepidation of someone inviting their own execution: ]

Um. Do you think we could maybe... hang out more?

[ In response, Ritsuka lights up immediately, nodding with sheer enthusiasm. ]

Definitely! I'd love to spend more time with you!

week one | overflow

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject